Day 9_Tackle Ghosts

Read these quotes and see if any of them apply to you.

“Bravery is the choice to show up and listen to another person, be it a loved one or perceived foe, even when it is uncomfortable, painful, or the last thing you want to do.”
― Alaric Hutchinson

“I don’t think anyone ever gets completely used to conflict. If it’s not a little uncomfortable, then it’s not real. The key is to keep doing it anyway.”
― Patrick Lencioni

“Making noise doesn't validate your point.”
― Thabiso Daniel Monkoe

List the quotes that landed with you. If none of them are helpful, then find a quote you can use to lower the volume on your stress level during disagreements.

In Day 8 we touched on the importance of owning your part in a disagreement.

Well you can't own what you don't know.

It's the 'not knowing' that tends to make things explosive.

After all, how are you going to develop trust for people when you see conflict through faulty filters that you don't even know exist?

When things start getting tense, try this: drop back for a moment. Center yourself.

Assuming the other person is reasonable and rational, ask them what they're trying to tell you that you don't understand.

Listen, really hear, what they say in response.

Give it everything you've got not to react but, instead, to trust they just might be on to something.

How willing are you to try this?

We know first-hand about emotional triggers/filters that make you react as if they're more real than what's actually happening.

Here's what we're fessing up to as filters that triggered reactions we had to change.

This is a work in progress and won't be accomplished overnight. Respect the time and opportunities to grow.

Could your filters be:
*INJUSTICE - the need to be right in any argument as a way to compensate for past injustices
*SELF PROTECTION - the need to feel safe, so much so, that you back down from most real or perceived conflicts
*PRIDE - the deep need to be right to the extent that you won't back down and say you were wrong because it would make you feel like you were one up'd
*AGE, GENDER, etc. that reminds you of the person that hurt you badly when you were younger
*AUTHORITY - fear and mistrust of those who are in position of leadership
*MISTRUST - making people earn your love and respect over and over and over again....so much so that you actually withhold love and respect to your own harm
*POWER - speaking without allowing the other person equal time as a means of controlling the conversation
*FEAR - Not speaking out of fear you'll set loose your "inner Godzilla" on the other person and regret it later
*SHAME - feeling like you're being severely mistreated when someone simply says you're wrong about a particular idea
*JUDGMENT - assuming the worst about someone without checking to see if it's even true. The justice trigger prevents you from discerning constructive correction vs. punitive damage

Did any of these ring true for you? If so, which one(s)?

Now for the good part.

Here's a way to change the filters from:

*From INJUSTICE to JUSTICE.
You receive justice every time you listen to someone who has a valid point and then you own your part. You're killing off the 'ghost' from the past that makes you react as if the opposite were true.

*From MISTRUST to TRUST.
When you choose to trust, you build the foundation of love. Trust is choosing to listen objectively, accepting that you're a valuable part of a mutually respectful relationship.

*From SELF PROTECTIVE to CONFIDENT.
You gain confidence and respect when you stand up for yourself in a way that discovers the truth and finds resolution.

*From PRIDE to HUMILITY.
You honor yourself and the relationships that are important to you when you drop grudges and hear what's off and determine how to find the way back.

*From FEAR to RESPECT.
Respect the people put in place to lead you to personal victory. It's unfair of you to think that because others mistreated you, then everyone in a similar position will mistreat you.

You may have to remove a lens that sees abuse in every criticism and apparent rejection.

Which of these has your attention enough to do something about it?

If you're really honest, there may be more than one.

Who hasn't seen a messed up 'ghost' at one time or another?

Will you ask someone you trust, preferably someone older and wiser by 10 to 15 years, about the filters they see that are distorting your perception?

These filters also are called blind spots.

Be patient with yourself through this process. You cannot possibly know your own blind spots.

That's why they're called BLIND spots.

It takes someone else to point them out.

No you probably won't believe it at first. You may even get angry at the other person for telling you about them.

Just hear them out and consider they're telling the truth because they care about you.

You matter enough to them for them to risk the rejection and humiliation they realize may come.

Think about that.

Now will you seek out that brave soul to help you see what you can't see right now?

A great movie to see is 'Saving Mr. Banks.' You'll see what we mean by 'ghosts'.

The film is about the childhood of P.L. Travers, the author of Mary Poppins. Her upbringing in Australia with an alcoholic father and stressed-out mom contributed to a great deal of drama in her adult life.

Oh, an aunt who looks remarkably like Mary Poppins, complete with carpet bag and funky umbrella, arrives on the scene late in the movie.

Go to the video icon above to watch a scene from the film, 'Saving Mr. Banks.'

As for the full movie, you can stream it or check it out at the library for free.

Interested?